XXX On My Own XXX

The freezing cold nips at my bare feet, but I can just ignore it. I can ignore anything as long as you’re beside me-- as long as I’m pretending that you’re beside me.

No matter how dark it is out, your presence makes everything be illuminated by the light of the stars. If it rains, it’s a washing, cleansing rain. The kind of rain that actually feels good.

I can feel your warmth surround me. I used to think you would obviously be cold. That was, though, before you touched me for a longer time than a slap or a push took. I don’t remember why you did it or for how long, or where for that matter. Every part of my body was a burning, feverish hot from your touch, and now I feel your heat radiating off of you whenever you’re near.

I smile, I open my mouth and start talking to you. Oh, I know you’re not there to listen. Even if you were really there, you wouldn’t ever care to hear me. You never really hear me, or anyone else, for that matter.

I close my eyes and see you. It doesn’t matter what your expression is-- usually scowling, most of my memories of you are angry-- my heart flutters and chokes all the same. It does that every time I just think of you now. It swells with happiness and hope and… love, but, at the same time, wrenches from the cruel reality.

Oh, reality. I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. In reality, you’re hateful and harsh. No one loves me in reality.

In reality, you don’t have your arms around me right now. I lean against the nothingness of you.

I feel the dawn sun slowly touch its rays to my face, and you’re gone, though you were never really there. Reality is no longer just a bad thought-- it’s… well, it’s reality again.

I know you could never love me. You couldn’t love me the way I love you even if you tried, even if you wanted to. It’s the way your culture raised you, the way you are. Your life would go on just as it has always been if I died today. You wouldn’t think of me at all once I would finally be unable to bother you.

I’ll always be pretending. I will always be pretending that you love me back

But I don’t care. I can’t care. I love you, after all.

I love you.